The Misadventures of the Laundry Hag - #1 Skeletons in the Closet Read online

  “Sylvie, at this rate, we’ll be here all night! I want to get home in time for House.”

  She pinched the bridge of her nose. “I’m getting a headache. How about you do your scrub-n-scour routine, while I run out to my car and see if I have any ibuprofen? I’ll meet you in the ballroom in five, but you’re going to do the exercises.”

  I’d never heard Sylvia this agitated before and it unnerved me. Usually she radiated inner calm, a self-possessed rock to my sea of turbulent emotion. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

  Sylvia shook her head. She took what she referred to a cleansing breath. Since she wasn’t huffing Lysol, I was clueless to the cleansing part. “Maybe another day, I’m a little tired.”

  And I wasn’t helping, acting like a petulant five-year-old. The purplish smudges under her eyes matched her leotard, but I doubted she’d set out to make that fashion statement. Maybe this work-out was more for her benefit than mine. Guilt flayed me and I made a silent vow to keep the pithy commentary to a minimum.

  “I’m here if you need to vent,” I offered and spritzed the seat of the crunch machine.

  “I know, and thanks. Ballroom in five.” She turned and made her way around various weight machines towards the lobby.

  Crud muffins. I really didn’t want to do calisthenics. A stroll on the treadmill or even the Stairmaster I could deal with, but calisthenics were akin to self-imposed torture. Worse even than the weight machines, since other patrons wanted a shot at those and there was a time limit. Using one’s own body for resistance could go on until the end of time. Given my state of physical fitness and Sylvia’s do or die mood it might.

  Disheartened, I gave the crunch machine a final swipe and trundled in the direction of the ballroom. The ballroom was really a storage studio located in the far corner of the fitness area. Staff and members alike stored a cache of various free weights, balance balls and yoga mats while some of the personal trainers took their clients there for one-on-one instruction, but it usually remained empty. Light shone from beneath the door, and I deduced that the staff hadn’t locked it up for the night. So much for my feeble hope.

  Quit your griping. You need this exercise, my inner critic scolded and I knew it was right. A hopeless klutz, I had no equal and I’d been avoiding any kind of obvious exercise for longer than I could remember. But I’d crossed the hill to the far side of thirty and was losing muscle tone dealing with a slower metabolism.

  People already wondered how I’d snagged a prize stud like Neil—who at almost thirty-seven, looked more like a male underwear model than when I’d married him a decade ago. I didn’t need to add my flabby abs and saggy buns to the grisly picture.

  Resolve firmly duct-taped to the sticking place, I opened the door to the ballroom and almost tripped over my own feet.

  Why did this keep happening to me?

  The room was occupied, all right. The man had his mesh gym shorts tangled around his ankles and all of the bits normally covered were blocked by a big-haired brunette on her knees in front of him. They were making a surprising amount of noise—a soundtrack I would take with me to the grave—and hadn’t noticed my arrival.

  I would have backed away quietly, but froze when I finally caught a glimpse of the man’s features. Hey, next time you see a bottom-less man see if his face is the first place you look.

  Even though I didn’t make a move, the lunatic in my head was running in circles, flapping her arms like a crazed Henny Penny and chanting “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”

  “Hey, I brought the radio from my studio I thought….” I’ll never know what Sylvia thought in that final moment before the sky clobbered her, because she’d caught sight of her husband being serviced in the ballroom.

  Eric and his partner picked up the pace, their rhythm striving for the ultimate crescendo and I wanted to nudge Sylvia into action. If it were me in her shoes, I’d make damn sure he never got to finish, before I started the ritualistic disembowelment. But this was her crisis to deal with as she saw fit.

  Apparently, she needed more time, because she tugged me out the door and closed it soundlessly behind her.

  “Sylvie…,” I started, but any words I offered her would be cold comfort at best.

  “Why isn’t he in his office?” Sylvia asked in an even tone. Her perfect blond eyebrows met at the bridge of her straight nose. “He has an office on the second floor since he made assistant manager. Why the ballroom?”

  “Does it matter?” I asked quietly, enraged both for my friend and with her. Why the hell wasn’t she confronting the faithless S.O.B? I had her back, if she needed moral support, or a wingman for the takedown. I may not be fit, but I could definitely tackle Eric from behind and keep him pinned while she gelded him. Or rip the tramp’s hair out of her feather-headed scalp.

  Sylvia shook her head and stared at the ground. No doubt she was processing, making plans, deciding on the best way to handle the philandering scum-sucking cretin.

  I might have been a tiny bit miffed over the situation, but sometimes going with one’s gut was the best course of action. No amount of consideration would prevent Eric from getting his rocks off, but an accurately thrown ten pound barbell….

  Then, it was too late. Eric opened the door and I caught a glimpse of the dark-haired woman stuffing her mega boobs back into her jog bra and casting him a disbelieving look for his obvious inconsideration.

  Eric brushed past me without acknowledging my presence, but stopped dead when his gaze took in a pale-faced Sylvia. She’d wrapped her arms around herself and wouldn’t meet his stare. Her posture radiated hurt in staggering waves, combating with the righteous anger I threw off on her behalf.

  “Sylvie, I….” He trailed off, searching for a cover story and she looked at him hopefully. As if whatever came out of his mouth would erase the last five minutes.

  “We were just—”

  “Having a little oral sex.” The woman finished for him. Hell hath no fury indeed. This broad had taken in the scene, realized Eric had walked into a cauldron of hot water, and tossed a load of kindling on the fire. “Sorry Hon, he told me he wasn’t seeing anybody.”

  “This is his wife!” I yelled in outrage, pointing to Sylvia. Damn it all, someone needed to shout.

  The brunette blanched and I shot a scud-missile at her with my eyes. “What the hell is wrong with you that you perform sexual favors in a public place with a guy you barely know? Don’t you value yourself? Aren’t you worth more than a quickie on the sly with a lying pig? What would your mother think?”

  She opened and closed her mouth like a fish.

  “Maggie,” Sylvia pleaded, but I wasn’t done. Some things need attention in the

  here and now.

  I whirled on Eric. “And you! I actually thought you had a few brain cells to rub together. Whatkind of insensitive ass-muppet betrays his gorgeous wife for a five second orgasm

  with an overly-teased piece of fluff?”

  “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Why don’t you stay out of my business?” A warning threaded through Eric’s tone.

  Sylvia hadn’t said a word other than my name and continued to tug halfheartedly on my arm. Other people had ceased their workouts to watch the spectacle. Poor Sylvia. And I had to don my crazy hat, bringing more attention to cthe situation. The mortification written across her face convinced me.

  “That’s a mighty fine idea.” I whirled on my heel and marched off to the front desk. “I want to cancel my membership,” I announced to the tanned Adonis manning the phones.

  “Uh…well, there’s a form you need to fill out and—”

  I waved a hand, practically bonking him on the beak. “Whatever. Just as long

  I can register a complaint with the owner.”

  “A complaint about what?”

  “Unsanitary conditions in the ballroom.”

  * * * *

  I asked Sylvia to come to my house for a bit, but deep down I knew she craved alone
time, and wasn’t surprised when she refused. With any luck, she’d bounce back and set her life straight by changing the locks on her front door before Eric came home. I’d already offered to send Neil to the local hardware store on her behalf.

  “Hey gang, Mom’s home!” Neil stood and stretched his back. I staggered over the threshold of our humble abode. As was custom, two backpacks, three baskets of unfolded linens and a pile of mail awaited my attention in the miniscule entryway which doubled as our foyer. The new coat of sage paint I’d applied a few days earlier still smelled fresh and Neil had finally hung the family pictures I’d been hounding him about.

  “Good workout?” Neil dropped a kiss on the top of my head and I stifled the urge to fall into his arms and sob. Two adrenaline spikes and more surprises and self-doubt than I’d wanted to count in the past ten hours made stringing a sentence together damn near impossible.

  “Mom, Josh is in the bathroom and he won’t come out!” Kenny’s words were punctuated with violent pounding. “Come on, dweeb, I gotta go!”

  “Kenny, use ours for the love of Pete!” Neil’s voice was tinged with exasperation.

  “How long has he been in there?”

  Neil glanced at the mantel clock below his big screen T.V., where he paused an episode of Deadliest Catch. “Almost an hour.”

  “Is he sick? Vomiting? Have you called the doctor yet? I heard there’s a stomach bug going around—”

  I cut myself off and headed for the kitchen where the emergency phone numbers resided, but Neil tugged me back by the shirt.

  “Maggie, he’s not sick, he’s twelve. Twel-ve, as in adolescent, pre-pubescent twelve.”

  I blinked a few times and Neil chucked me under the chin then locked his gaze with mine in silent communion. I stared into the hazel depths and the light dawned.

  “Cripes, not yet.” I sagged onto my ugly yet practical barstools and the urgency to do something fled. “I’m not ready for this.”

  “Really Uncle Scrooge, this is nothing you need to do anything about.” Neil stood behind me and massaged the tension from my neck and shoulders.” He’s getting older, he has a girlfriend—”

  “No he doesn’t.” I shook my head and shrugged out from under his hold.

  “That girl who was here at Thanksgiving, Olivia.”

  “There’s nothing official, they just chat online sometimes.”

  Neil cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes at me. “Kids don’t meet at a sock hop, then share a root beer float at the local soda shop anymore, Maggs. Communicating online is dating to the next generation.”

  “I was born in the seventies, Neil. And my first date tried to sell me stolen lawn gnomes he’d filched from the church rummage sale.”

  He stared at me for a beat, then doubled over in laughter. I’m pretty sure he believed I’d made that up. I sighed. Truth can be stranger than fiction.

  Once Neil got control of himself, he resumed the shoulder rub in silence. Obviously, he thought I was a few yachts shy of a boat show. He just didn’t get the mother-to-adopted son dynamic. It seemed like a few days ago, Josh had been a solemn, wide-eyed toddler in need of a mother’s unconditional love. And now he was growing up, in the bathroom….

  I winced and derailed that train of thought. Neil was right, as usual. This had nothing to do with me and everything to do with Mother Nature, the selfish cow.

  “They’ve been fighting more lately, over space and privacy. It’s probably time to give Josh his own room.” Apparently Neil decided to keep the bombs falling before I could fully regroup. My life was changing too fast and I didn’t cotton to change very well. Upheaval was one guaranteed ingredient to turn the mild-mannered Laundry Hag into a belligerent, frothing beast.

  My wrath focused on Neil, the calm eye in the center of my category five turmoil. The man didn’t get worked up about anything and while this usually provided a good balance in our marriage, right now he was pissing me off.

  I blanked my expression. “If that’s what you think is best.”

  His eyebrows drew together to form a dark V. “Don’t do this, Maggie.”

  Tapping my inner Southern Belle, I smiled absently and patted his arm. “You always know what to do, so I defer to your superior intellect.”

  He groaned and dropped his chin to his chest. Take that, hot stuff!

  Neil hated when I didn’t fight back almost as much as I hated losing every argument we had. Granted, sometimes we’d fight, he’d win and then I’d go my merry way, doing as I pleased. Typically though, I wanted to please him before myself so arguing was always a win-win scenario for Neil. Not arguing, however childish it may seem, gave me a bit of a boost. My husband is not the type of man to yell at a woman, especially a non-confrontational woman. I always stopped short of bringing tears into the game, but every so often I needed an edge, a way to make him understand my level of frustration.

  The patronizing tone took all the fight out of Neil. His shoulders rounded and he leaned back against the counter. He didn’t say anything and I got up to fetch a glass of water, just to give myself something to do.

  “I set up an appointment with a marriage counselor for tomorrow.”

  The water slid down the wrong pipe and I choked. “Are you serious?” I wheezed at his profile.

  He didn’t answer me, just stared at the school calendar on the fridge. Neil had mentioned going to a marriage counselor a few months back, but I thought the idea went extinct after the holidays. Granted, we had problems and miscommunicated, but to actually go to therapy like our relationship was falling apart….

  Unbidden, the image of Eric and his bimbo in the ballroom flashed and I cringed. No doubt, I’d been born with some sort of fornicator locator, because I always seem to walk in on people having sex. As if that isn’t enough, it was always people having sex who shouldn’t be having sex, at least with each other. I studied my handsome husband and flinched at the stress lines around his eyes. Guilt flayed me for my self-centeredness. He deserved more from me. A few hours’ time out of my crazy life might not be a bad thing and deep down, I was afraid if I didn’t acquiesce to this, one day my fornicator locator might steer me to Neil. My heart couldn’t take that kind of beating.

  “Okay, I’ll be sure to clear my schedule.”

  About the Author

  Jennifer L. Hart is a comedian with a romantic’s heart. Since her entire family has heard her quips more times than they care to, she’s had to resort to playing with the people in her head and expanded her repertoire to novel format. Her works to date include The Misadventures of the Laundry Hag series, River Rats, Redeeming Characters and Stellar Timing. Jenn lives in North Carolina with her former Navy man and two energetic children.

  Visit her on the web at www.jenniferlhart.com or www.laundryhag.com.